Aka FAQ: What is the most important advice you have for first-time parents?

Answer: Divide parenting tasks ex-ante, with clear responsibilities.

Why: To avoid repeated discussions and quarrels.

Why is that important?

1 Because when overwhelmed it is so easy to feel that you are doing more than your partner or that itā€™s your partnerā€™s fault that something went wrong. And quarrelling with your partner is so demoralizing and tiring.

2 Because it saves time, especially sleep time.

3 Because there are economies of scale: You will get better at changing diapers if you change ALL the diapers. Iā€™m talking about levels like changing diapers mid-air, holding the baby in one hand, without knees.

4 Because your body clock gets used to time-based splits.

5 Because conscious decisions about responsibilities, adapted if needed, are fairer in the long-term and fairness increases parental happiness.

Our example:

Derek does: all bottles between 2am and mornings (he is a morning person), all diapers, nail clipping, school runs, bills.

Moqi does: all bottles between evening and 1.59am (I am an evening person), feeding (before weaning to the bottle), baths, nursery runs, scheduling, shopping. Ā 

Remarks:

  • We still quarrel all the time about how much more Iā€™m doing, but there is less to quarrel about, and we donā€™t quarrel in the night. It was much worse with the first baby, when we had not figured this out yet.
  • Thatā€™s also because I usually canā€™t even hear the crying after 2am.
  • Derek also canā€™t hear the crying before 2am, although he reacts immediately to the magic word ā€œdiaperā€.
  • All the above may also be applicable to simple tasks in other contexts than parenting.